Vasoline - The Other White Meat
Askin’ me

What type of dessert to get for today……

You know my answer…..

Why do you just tease me?

The only reason we will get a divorce is cause of her outright hatred on German Chocolate Cake.

Which isn’t even really German.

She will get some fucked up shit.

I guarantee you.

therealduckandpenguin:

the reception was at a golf course and the ballroom had a balcony that overlooked the putting and chipping practice ranges and there was this one poor sonofabitch trying to execute some 10 foot chip shots and failing utterly and I wonder if it might be because there were about fifty wedding guests…

First hole is a bitch. Always. Putting is also a bitch when it comes to onlookers.

When we got married, my dad and her dad went out golfing. Bonding or whatever. This was Lake Tahoe, well no Truckee, California. His house is right next to the golf course.

I know that first hole is a bitch. But I didn’t say anything. They both are great golfers but I know that you have a lot of people watching you.

I think this was on our wedding day. I might not be right.

But they went golfing.

And yes, my whole East Coast family has that awful Long Island accent.

Cept for my wife and Nat.

So my dad gives me a call. 

Come out and meet us on the 7th hole. That right across the street so ok.

We all go out there and her dad…walks up to me…

First thing he says is..”that first hole is a bitch…”

I guess I should have told him…..

Meh. I was sleeping when you left.

Welcome to California!

Golfin!

Labor Day funny stories.

I lived in an apartment, long time gone, and we had a BBQ. Well, two and huge party. You couldn’t walk around the place. Too many people. Way too many.

I can only take that for so long so I went out to the back BBQ and stood by it for a bit. 

More food coming off and more people filling the parking lot. Not cars. People.

It got a little old for me so I decided to break the lock on the ladder that went to the top of the complex.

Ok. That’s done……now what….

Someone was talking to me about golfing.

Well…see this place was right next to the freeway so I decided that we grab one of my drivers and hit the roof.

Just hit balls into the freeway and see what happens.

So we did. About 5 of us. Just knocked them at moving cars.

Kinda dick move but it was funny.

So I am drunk and on something and laughing at the cars who pull over wondering what happened and I turn around, laughing and….

No roof.

I bailed from two stories. Just nailed the ground. Covered in blood and what did they do? Put me in bed.

So I pass out. My bed is red.

Some girl is asking where Todd is at. Where did he go? 

Oh….he is upstairs. Early night.

So about 5 girls come up to my room and figure I am not in a good shape and get together to take me to the hospital.

Yes. I sleep naked so they had to put my shorts on.

I got to the ER and they freaked out. Multiple wounds.

So they stitched my shit up. All over. Face…the elbow was the worst, knee all that stuff.

The funny part was that I had like 10 golf balls in my pocket. Good ones.

I kept giving them out to the nurses and doctors who were cool to me.

How did this happen?

Don’t matter. Have a golf ball.

Yeah.

I don’t do that shit anymore.

This might be in Spanglish so it is a little hard to get.

But it wakes your shit up better then coffee, right?

Jeez 2

Told my mom about the NC gig, told her the salary was huge and then I will be moving back to my home town after 6 months.

Gotta straighten out what is going on out there.

She freaked. Of course she wants me back home.

Then she laid the guilt trip.

When all this gets settled, you have to visit your nieces in Texas. They know all about you and tell me “we know we have an Uncle Todd who did a lot of things but we never met him”.

Well, they don’t know everything about me. No one does except for Michele.

But that is a good thing.

They know about my wife and tattoos and some of the stuff I did..

But they just want to meet you. Really bad.

Jeez.

I guess I should fly to Texas.

Jeez

The party from last night must have been pretty cool. There are still cars lining the streets.

For those of you counting that is parties two nights in a row right down the street but at different houses.

It is like they are having sex and multiplying.

As I say to people, last night and today are “amateur night”.

That is an old saying I used to use when I drive drunk every night. Yes. I learned my lesson.

But there are a few nights in the year, and days, that you stay off the roads.

People will drink and drive.

This is one of those days.

So be careful if you are driving today.

You don’t know how many amateurs will be out on the road.

Labor Day!

You got the beer?

I got the time.

You got the coke?

Gimmie a line!

/Actually…all I do nowadays is BBQ and sit around with my family…

//You might think it is sad but it is actually pretty cool….

This day is looking good!

For once the waitress fucked up my order in a good way!

She gave me two eggs and when she said I ordered two I said the number two. The number 2 plate.

Which is one egg.

So she changed the receipt to one egg! And I got two!

The smallest things make me happy.

thesepuppetstrings:

I feel like I finally MADE it!

That’s funny. You are in the cool club now. We are the ones who sit in the back seat of the bus.
You can come back here now.
And stay off my lawn!

thesepuppetstrings:

I feel like I finally MADE it!

That’s funny. You are in the cool club now. We are the ones who sit in the back seat of the bus.

You can come back here now.

And stay off my lawn!

Alright!

Going out to breakfast!

You know really though. All I eat one egg and toast.

You know when you have really given up on food is that is when all you eat.

I knew an old man one time. Professor at UC Davis. Told me to come up to his place. Long way away. It was his escape house. Covered in Black Widows and shitty beer cans and egg shells….

He farmed and eat eggs. Well, and drank shitty beer.

So I sat with him.

Why a boiled egg, piece of bread and a beer? For breakfast and lunch?

He would read calculus books. For fun. Like some people play online games? He would read physics books.

But why do you just eat this? Just this?

This is all your body needs to survive.

This guy was like 95 years old. He was super smart. Don’t ask me his name cause that was too long ago.

But I guess he had something going right.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he was still alive.