Vasoline - The Other White Meat
A poll for you dudes

thunderdolt:

Would you buy tampons/pads for a woman you’ve only been seeing for a couple of weeks?

I do have a funny story about this. I was dating a girl for a few weeks. She needed me to go up to the store for her. Mammoth cramps and all that.

It was like 8 in the morning and hell no, you don’t want to go but whatever. I spent the night in her bed so I figured I owed it to her.

So her kids are there, right? Talking about how they want to egg and TP someone’s house later in the night.

Can I get them these things? Eggs? Toilet paper?

So on my “to buy” list was tampons, eggs and toilet paper. And a shitload of each of them.

Hm.

Well it is like 8 in the morning and I throw on my cowboy hat and head up to the store. Pick up all these things. I mean, might as well be wearing the hat if I gotta do this.

I figure I gotta get a case of beer as well.

You know, to offset all the other shit I am buying.

So there is a lady checking all this stuff, right?

All the paper, all the eggs, all the tampons asks me “what these are all for?”

Like no shit, right?

I just tip my hat and say..

"I ain’t feeling to fresh today, m’am. Just not too fresh."

Tip my hat again and walk off.

So I don’t mind buying stuff for people.

motorskill:

abloodymess:

ponytailtime:

ellegolightly:

I cannot stop laughing at “The Demon Barber of Flavortown.”  

(Also, I got dragged to a Guy Fieri restaurant last summer and it lived up to the anti-hype.)

I hurt reading this.

The person who wrote the copy for the menu got paid really really well. And that makes me want to die. 

You know you’re hungry when you can’t read this list because it makes you hungrier.

Someone just shove some cardboard with hot sauce on it down my throat and save me the trouble.

Fuck this guy.

You damn well know the food will suck. He can fist bump his shit all the way to hell. Fuck him and fuck anyone who says otherwise. 

You wanna know a math equation for this motherfucker?

Shit / Shit = Guy’s food

I wouldn’t even go in to use the bathroom.

quickwitter:

@VASOLINEJESUS, new crop of chicks pick one!

Hey, you want a chicken? You got it. This is the latest crop of chicks. With three you get egg-roll. I’ll even throw in Little Doukey the Jackass Rooster. Tiny, but completely an annoying little ankle pecker.

No. You have no idea how much Michele would kick my ass. Thank you and they look cool but she would kick my ass.

And I wouldn’t want a rooster. I grew up on a farm. I know what those guys do.

Plus I don’t think the dogs would like one.

Although a “New York Chicken” would sound pretty cool.

She would be all walking the streets at night looking for a beer or some late night food.

That would be a cool chicken.

They are so cute!

Thursday Theme

Water.

I have always had a fun time fucking around with people. You know, not to be mean, I just do it. Makes me giggle.

So I am taking Michele, for the first time, up to one of my old homes. Lake Tahoe. And trust me, she believed all my shit back then. Hell, her family did as well before they all got to know me.

So I told her it was tradition that the first time you saw Lake Tahoe you had to jump in. Don’t have to take your clothes off. Just jump in. 

Hey look. We all had to do it.

Tradition. From the Trokee Indians.

Now I don’t know if you have been there or not but that water is cold. Like freezing cold.

So I got her looking at me saying “Do I have to do this?”

Well yeah. Lets see how far I can take this. We come this far. Might as well see how much further I can take it.

She only went in up to her knees but she was shivering when she got out.

Cold water.

She doesn’t believe when I say things like that anymore.

Clutch - Gullah
36 plays

moveablehype:

4:24 for 4/24

Always ARB.

In case anyone doesn’t know why I always ARB any Clutch song, Clutch is how Michele and I met.

I was backstage at a Clutch show one night. Just hanging out.

Next day she was talking about Clutch on another website and I told her that I was hanging with them the night before. Just in passing conversation.

And there you go.

All these years later. 

Funny how life works out.

Reply
alinalogic replied to your post:ok
You’re going to help me get a three year old to the airport, right? Since you’re up?

Oh. I couldn’t imagine the pain there. Kids on planes kill me. Although 3 is ok.

Just feed the crap out of her at the airport and she will pass back out. Just keep her up until you take off. That is the big rule. Keep up until you take off.

This is what Michele does to me since, well since I am like a 3 year old.

My wife was not a flying type person when I met her. I am. She used to squeeze my hand real hard when we took off and wake my shit up.

She doesn’t do that anymore.

Now all she does is look for the Cinabon place.

How long is your flight?

I never know

I get up early. I sleep for like two hour stints. I get emails, all the time, from my Chinese friends. Well that is cool. I answer them. I mean I made a lot of friends. Real friends.

But when one emails and asks when she can see me again and says she is leaving the industry, I just feel bad.

I mean, you never know where life is going to take you. Lord knows I never thought I would be in some of the places I have been to.

So I don’t know what to say. Kinda sad cause she was my kick back buddy in China and Las Vegas.

But, you never know. We might meet again one day.

Probably not but you never know.

ok

I am up.

Did I tell what a cool dinner I had last night?

Pea soup, string bean casserole and a piece of pizza.

I am a human garbage can but you know, when food is around, gotta go for it. Leftovers and me are friends.

Still got more Taco Bell left.

/she is trying to get me fat again

//I lost a lot of weight mostly cause I stopped doing the fast food thing. Mostly.

bed

dammit.

She went to bed.

You know, that is really selfish of her.

Someone needs to entertain me like a damn joker on a king’s court.

I just wish porn wasn’t so damn boring.

Le sigh.

shelterfromthenorm:

vasolinejesus:

shelterfromthenorm:

Every year, I go through the same struggle - who to root for in the playoffs. But sometimes, it’s not about who I’m rooting for, but who I’m rooting against. Here’s a list that sort of sorts things out. My first step is to root for the Sabres.

  • Root against Dallas…

No Ducks?

They have snow in Disneyland. Albeit it is at Christmas and it is fake but it is snow none the less!

I have never nor will I ever root for a team whose sole existence is the result of Disney. Unless, they’re playing the Stars because fuck Brett Hull. 

But they used to have such a cute logo!

Angry Duck!

And screw Dallas. I am getting over it…..slowly. Stupid statues all over town.